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The randomest story ever written!!
September 26, 2007Published by huckoveraducki wrote this cause im cool - and probably mentally handicapped.
it involves pixies, a toaster and nelly the alligator aswell as barney. It all started when our adventure-loving...adventurer, Woody woodpecker, woke up in a foxy forest. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling abnormally concerned, Woody woodpecker grabbed a ninja star, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he realized that his beloved masturbation oil was missing! Immediately he called his fundamentalist, guilt-dispensing friend, Pussy Blossom. Woody woodpecker had known Pussy Blossom for (plus or minus) 153 years, the majority of which were curious ones. Pussy Blossom was unique. She was smart though sometimes a little... clueless. Woody woodpecker called her anyway, for the situation was urgent. Pussy Blossom picked up to a very angry Woody woodpecker. Pussy Blossom calmly assured him that most South American hissing sloths grimace before mating, yet spotted wolf hamsters usually earnestly shudder *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Woody woodpecker. Why was Pussy Blossom trying to distract Woody woodpecker? Because she had snuck out from Woody woodpecker's with the masturbation oil only eleven days prior. It was a striking little masturbation oil... how could she resist? It didn't take long before Woody woodpecker got back to the subject at hand: his masturbation oil. Pussy Blossom sneezed. Relunctantly, Pussy Blossom invited him over, assuring him they'd find the masturbation oil. Woody woodpecker grabbed his elephant and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Pussy Blossom realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the masturbation oil and she had to do it deftly. She figured that if Woody woodpecker took the time machine, she had take at least seven minutes before Woody woodpecker would get there. But if he took the flying-shit flavoured-mousemat? Then Pussy Blossom would be alarmingly screwed. Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Pussy Blossom was interrupted by ten funny-smelling Barney the purple dinosaurs that were lured by her masturbation oil. Pussy Blossom belched; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling puzzled, she deftly reached for her dull pencil and deftly punched every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the secret vineyard, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the flying-shit flavoured-mousemat rolling up. It was Woody woodpecker. ----o0o---- As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of bananas, so he knew he was running late. With a heroic leap, Woody woodpecker was out of the flying-shit flavoured-mousemat and went indiscriminately jaunting toward Pussy Blossom's front door. Meanwhile inside, Pussy Blossom was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the masturbation oil into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind her George Foreman grill. Pussy Blossom was concerned but at least the masturbation oil was concealed. The doorbell rang. 'Come in,' Pussy Blossom surreptitiously purred. With a apt push, Woody woodpecker opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some stupid social outcast in a best-in-its-so-called-'class' sedan,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Pussy Blossom assured him. Woody woodpecker took a seat conveniently far from where Pussy Blossom had hidden the masturbation oil. Pussy Blossom belched trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Woody woodpecker was distracted. A few freaknasty minutes later, Pussy Blossom noticed a clueless look on Woody woodpecker's face. Woody woodpecker slowly opened his mouth to speak. '...What's that smell?' Pussy Blossom felt a stabbing pain in her shin when Woody woodpecker asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the masturbation oil right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A selfish look started to form on Woody woodpecker's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's live hand grenades from when she used to have pet venomous koalas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Woody woodpecker nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Pussy Blossom could react, Woody woodpecker recklessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The masturbation oil was plainly in view. Woody woodpecker stared at Pussy Blossom for what what must've been six millseconds. A few unfulfilled decades later, Pussy Blossom groped explosively in Woody woodpecker's direction, clearly desperate. Woody woodpecker grabbed the masturbation oil and bolted for the door. It was locked. Pussy Blossom let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Woody woodpecker,' she rebuked. Pussy Blossom always had been a little funny-smelling, so Woody woodpecker knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Pussy Blossom did something crazy, like... start chucking ninja stars at her or something. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he gripped his masturbation oil tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels. Pussy Blossom looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Woody woodpecker. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame three days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Woody woodpecker. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Pussy Blossom walked over to the window and looked down. Woody woodpecker was gone. ----o0o---- Just yonder, Woody woodpecker was struggling to make his way through the swamp behind Pussy Blossom's place. Woody woodpecker had severely hurt his fingernail during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Barney the purple dinosaurs suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the masturbation oil. One by one they latched on to Woody woodpecker. Already weakened from his injury, Woody woodpecker yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Barney the purple dinosaurs running off with his masturbation oil. But then God came down with His ingenious smile and restored Woody woodpecker's masturbation oil. Feeling angered, God smote the Barney the purple dinosaurs for their injustice. Then He got in His curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala) and jettisoned away with the fortitude of 61 venomous koalas running from a oversized pack of legless puppies. Woody woodpecker stumbled with joy when he saw this. His masturbation oil was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in nine minutes his favorite TV show, cock fest UK, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When man-eating capybaras meet hand grenade'). Woody woodpecker was overjoyed. And so, everyone except Pussy Blossom and a few malaria-toting venomous koalas lived blissfully happy, forever after. |
